Crazy Mom

I wonder if I will be able to sleep tonight...

You see, I am in general, the type of person who has a hard time falling asleep just on a normal night, before a normal day. My brain skates through thousands of possible scenarios for upcoming events...things I need to remember to say, or have the guts to say (but never do), or things to avoid saying or doing. Things to remember to get done the next day, or next week.  Imagining what could happen in different scenarios, and how I would react to each one. My brain just isn't easy to put in rest mode.

And tonight isn't a night before a normal day. Tomorrow, Aaron has surgery. And I feel like such a crazy mom for even being worried about it because it is such a non-risky procedure. He has a hemangioma that has sprouted on his scalp, and over the last 2 months, it has grown a lot, so our doctor said it needs to be removed. And it isn't even like the chances of the pathology will come back with something bad. Hemangiomas are very benign (almost always). So really, there is nothing (or at least, very, very little) to be worried about.

But I am worried. Not about the procedure, and not about the pathology. I just don't like that this will be his first time under anesthesia. General anesthesia is very low risk too. So I shouldn't even be worried about that. But I am. You never know if someone is going to have a fatal reaction to anesthesia until they received anesthesia. And as a nurse, I *KNOW* that is very uncommon and that there is a very minimal chance that will happen.

But this is my kid. My son. My baby boy (although if he knew I called him that, he wouldn't be happy).

This makes me wonder how any parent ever gets through more serious surgeries, more serious diagnoses. I couldn't imagine having to worry about not only the reaction to anesthesia, but also worry about whether or not my kid will survive surgery, and then whether or not they would have any complications after surgery.

God truly knows what we can handle, and He knows I can't handle much. I am weak. I should trust in Him. I should know that His divine plan is so much greater than anything I could ever imagine in my little brain.

So if I am a little crazy today...or very sleep deprived tomorrow...please forgive me. I am a crazy mom and can't help it...